Monster

(with regret. and maybe a little hope)
4/4/2008

Monster

On this
day of days,
I feel I've failed you.

I've stared your words
in the face
until
(I hoped) they somehow
fused themselves to my body,
filling in gaps between neurons,
delivering depression free
chemical recipes
to my skull sanctuary
before sending me
to follow past your footsteps
past your markers
to where they did not
give you the chance to tread.

And I failed you.

I have obeyed
unjust laws.

I have done less
than I could do.

I do not
love
my enemy.

and I'm unsure
I ever will.

Love my enemy?
I want to defeat my enemy.
I want to make him pay
for every heartbreak he has caused.

I want him to fail.
I want him to suffer.
I want to rain down
kamikaze pretzels
until one catches his throat.

I don't just want justice.

I want vengeance.

Want to stand over him
defeated, bloodied, and say
I did this to you, remember me,
Sonny style,

so he knows never to fuck
with the people
ever again.

i want him
to feel the brunt
of my wrath.
to pay for everything
that's ever happened to me,
even the shit that's not his fault
just because i'm so pissed.

I want to make him
feel the excruciating pain
he's given to me,
no,
the pain he's given to others
in his lifetime,
no, fuck that,
even that's not enough.

the torment
of every life
he's affected
including the ones to come.

drenching him
in agony
repeatedly
increasing
his suffering
exponentially

while he begged
for the mercy
he never gave me.

all this
on this day, of all days,
on the day
you were taken away from us

Your ability to love your enemy
in the face of such torment
leaves me feeling
worse than a failure.

love my enemy?

he's the only person
i hate more
than me.

and maybe that's why
I think

I'm a monster.